The way we were.......
There are some things that can't be expressed with words.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
His eyes were like blazing fire....
In case some of you were wondering, I chose to link to "Quivering Daughters" because in many ways, Hillary's writing reflects many of my own experiences. Not every one, for each of our personal experiences and circumstances are different, but the overall picture Hillary paints resonates deep within my own heart. One of the reasons my writing has been so sporadic the last few years is that I have not known how to write about this particular part of my journey. I would never want to hurt my parents or other family members by airing my personal grievances on this blog. On the other hand, I believe that writing about this journey is part of the healing process for me.So, to that end, you will see, from time to time that I will write about this journey, about the things I am learning, about my view of patriarchy in the homeschool movement, about my journey out of patriarchy, about my view on the roles of men and women, and about the freedom I am daily rediscovering in Christ.
Okay - so now that that little disclaimer is out of the way, I want to share something that the Lord showed me a few nights ago. I have found on this journey that there are times when I'm floating along and I'm feeling good about life. And then there are times when one little tiny thing can completely throw me off balance, and wounds of the past few years are ripped open again, and I find myself almost gasping for air. I got a call that night from a dear loved one who asked how I was. I lied. I told him I was fine. I hate being a burden - in fact, there are very few things I hate more. But, the truth was, I was falling apart - the pain can be intense and that night was one of those times.
The first thing that always seems to come to mind in those moments is to run away. So, that night, I did just that. I got in my car, drove away, and went to a movie. I didn't want to see anyone I knew, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone - just me and my broken heart. Reading this now makes me laugh - I mean really, how pathetic is that? :) But....that's where I was.
Of course, going alone to a movie didn't do much for my outlook. So, by the time I got home, I was in worse shape than when I had left. Thankfully, my roommate wasn't home yet, so I was free to cry as loudly as I wanted, and no one would have to know that this strong, independent, opinionated woman can completely dissolve into a FLOOD of tears. Of course, now that I've told you here, my secret is out. Sigh...guess there's comfort in confession now and then. :) But...I digress....
Of course, going alone to a movie didn't do much for my outlook. So, by the time I got home, I was in worse shape than when I had left. Thankfully, my roommate wasn't home yet, so I was free to cry as loudly as I wanted, and no one would have to know that this strong, independent, opinionated woman can completely dissolve into a FLOOD of tears. Of course, now that I've told you here, my secret is out. Sigh...guess there's comfort in confession now and then. :) But...I digress....
Anyway -I did what I often do when I don't know what else to do. I sat on my bed with my box of kleenex and my Bible. It was the 18th, so I opened my Bible to Psalm 18.
"I love you, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation,
My stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies." (vs. 1-3)
Look for a minute at the words used to describe God - strength, rock, fortress, deliverer, refuge, shield, stronghold. One of the things that I often feel when I am overwhelmed by pain and sadness is that I'm vulnerable. I feel alone....lost....unprotected. I love that He knows how we feel, and He is there to be our safe place. Seriously, there is no person in the whole world who can be all of those things all of the time. That's pretty amazing.
Then, as I was still dabbing my eyes with kleenex #12, I read the next part...
"The cords of death entangled me;
The torrents of destruction overwhemed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
The snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help." (vs. 3-6)
Anybody out there ever feel like that? Where you don't know if you can muster anymore hope, where you'd just like to give up and quit trying? Where you wonder if Job's wife had the right idea to "curse God and die." Okay, come on people, pick your jaws up off the floor. Yes, I have thought that on occassion....and before you all start shaking your finger at me, be honest. You've probably had a thought or two like that in your life too.
Here's where it gets good:
"From His temple He heard my voice;
My cry came before Him, into His ears." (vs. 6)
But He doesn't just hear our cry - He takes action.
"The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because He was angry.
Smoke rose from His nostrils;
consuming fire came from His mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under His feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew;
He soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness His covering,
His canopy around Him -
the dark rain clouds in the sky.
Out of the brightness of His presence clouds advanced
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
the Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot His arrows and scatterd the enemies,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O Lord,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils." (vs. 7-15)
Okay - think about this......He hears that we are in distress, that we're hurting, but He doesn't just pat us on the back and say something like, "It's ok, My strength is perfect. Just bear it a little longer." Oh no, when we suffer injustice, when our hearts are broken through tragedy, broken relationships, disappointments, whatever, that Father love compels Him to action. Mess with one of His kids and you'll awake the biggest sleeping giant you ever heard of.
Picture with me - the God of the universe, coming down with thunder, hail, flying on the wings of the wind. You can almost sense a fury about Him....a fierce fatherly protection unleashed to come to our aid. He comes in the midst of the storm though. We're down here, gasping for air, feeling like we're about to drown. We don't see Him coming - He comes in in the dark of night, so to speak, under the cover of darkness. And then, suddenly:
"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster
But the Lord was my support." (vs. 16-18)
Can I just say - this sounds every bit like a Knight in Shining Armor! He rides in, swoops down, takes hold of us, and draws us out, just before we go under. Friends, I cannot tell you what this passage spoke to my heart that night about the fierce protection of my Heavenly Father. He's magnificent. He's strong. He's a rock, a shelter, a fortress. He's the great Rescuer.
And the Magnificent Rescuer doesn't stop there.
"He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because He delighted in me." (vs. 19)
Let that sink in. He...... delights...... in us. He rescues us because we are His delight. What a precious picture this paints for us who can feel defenseless and alone at times, who can feel so vulnerable. My God hears me, rescues me, and delights in me. It doesn't get any better than that.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Blog Changes.......
Well, you may have noticed, everything looks different here. I’ve been wanting to change my blog for a while….finally figured out what I wanted. It’s still a work in progress…..still tweaking things. BUT, just a few things to familiarize you with what’s here now:The four pictures on the far right will be a constantly changing feature.
One will always feature a book I’m currently reading (and the target date for a review, which will hopefully help me actually FINISH it!), one will feature an American President, one will feature a blog or website that I have found particularly interesting, informative, inspiring or just simply entertaining, and one will be linked to something related to the culinary arts.
What you will see reflected in these four boxes are things I’m passionate about, things that express a little more of who I am, etc.
The change in the blog’s appearance is significant, in that it is an expression of the fact that my life is daily changing, that I’m not who I was a few years ago, or even 6 months ago. You will probably see my writing change somewhat – hopefully in ways that will be inspiring and thought provoking. A lot has happened in my life the last few years – a lot growth, a lot of change. In fact, I hope I never stop growing or changing…..it’s what makes life interesting.
So, stay tuned…..more to come.
The change in the blog’s appearance is significant, in that it is an expression of the fact that my life is daily changing, that I’m not who I was a few years ago, or even 6 months ago. You will probably see my writing change somewhat – hopefully in ways that will be inspiring and thought provoking. A lot has happened in my life the last few years – a lot growth, a lot of change. In fact, I hope I never stop growing or changing…..it’s what makes life interesting.
So, stay tuned…..more to come.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
I am in the process of giving a blog a facelift and adding some new features. Keep checking back for updates!
[ ... ]
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Clothed in Rainbows of Living Color........
I really should be sleeping….especially since I have to be setting up for another meeting tomorrow at 6:30 AM. But, I had to share what God did for me today. It’s just too special to keep to myself.
It’s been a hard few days….dealing with some pretty painful life stuff. On top of that, I’m exhausted. I’ve been travelling for work all this month…big meetings, lots of driving, late nights, trying to keep up with my normal work in the office, etc. And on top of that, Tuesday was my birthday. And for the second year in a row, I was travelling for work on my birthday. Not that I minded travelling on my birthday - I figured it would take my mind off of some of the harder stuff I’ve been dealing with. And it did.
I was so blessed all day on my birthday to receive messages, e-mails, phone calls, etc. from so many wonderful people in my life. And there were some extra special blessings too….things that God did, just for me that were more than I could have ever asked for.
So tonight, on the way home today, I was driving alone, and had a chance to listen to a new worship cd. There was this one song that is so simple, but I love the message of it. I guess it just really reflects how I feel about the Lord, how much I’ve grown in my own walk in the last few years in spite of the struggles. So, as I was driving up I-55 between St. Louis and Bloomington, I was singing along…..
“I’m deep in love with you, Abba Father, I’m deep in love with you Lord.
My heart it beats for you, precious Jesus, I’m deep in love with you Lord.”
Somehow, as I sang and thought about all that He is to me, I was just overwhelmed with love for Him. It’s hard to even put into words just how much I love Him. Tears were falling down my cheeks and I kept on singing, just marveling in who He is. Then, suddenly, directly in front of me, was a rainbow. Not a faded, hard-to-see rainbow, but vivid, brilliant color. And in that moment I knew it was from Him to me. It was as if He was shouting from the very heavens that He loved me too. Of course, being all emotional already, I was now crying and laughing at the same time. In that moment I was reassured once again of his passionate and unending love for me. Not only did he quietly tell me He loved me, but He was boldly announcing it to the entire world! And then, as if ONE rainbow wasn’t enough, there was suddenly a second rainbow, more vivid than the first. So, I laughed and cried some more……what else is a girl to do when the God of the universe is showing off, just for her? :)
So, that’s the very special gift that He gave me today….just that incredible reminder of his amazing love….just for me.
[ ... ]
It’s been a hard few days….dealing with some pretty painful life stuff. On top of that, I’m exhausted. I’ve been travelling for work all this month…big meetings, lots of driving, late nights, trying to keep up with my normal work in the office, etc. And on top of that, Tuesday was my birthday. And for the second year in a row, I was travelling for work on my birthday. Not that I minded travelling on my birthday - I figured it would take my mind off of some of the harder stuff I’ve been dealing with. And it did.
I was so blessed all day on my birthday to receive messages, e-mails, phone calls, etc. from so many wonderful people in my life. And there were some extra special blessings too….things that God did, just for me that were more than I could have ever asked for.
So tonight, on the way home today, I was driving alone, and had a chance to listen to a new worship cd. There was this one song that is so simple, but I love the message of it. I guess it just really reflects how I feel about the Lord, how much I’ve grown in my own walk in the last few years in spite of the struggles. So, as I was driving up I-55 between St. Louis and Bloomington, I was singing along…..
“I’m deep in love with you, Abba Father, I’m deep in love with you Lord.
My heart it beats for you, precious Jesus, I’m deep in love with you Lord.”
Somehow, as I sang and thought about all that He is to me, I was just overwhelmed with love for Him. It’s hard to even put into words just how much I love Him. Tears were falling down my cheeks and I kept on singing, just marveling in who He is. Then, suddenly, directly in front of me, was a rainbow. Not a faded, hard-to-see rainbow, but vivid, brilliant color. And in that moment I knew it was from Him to me. It was as if He was shouting from the very heavens that He loved me too. Of course, being all emotional already, I was now crying and laughing at the same time. In that moment I was reassured once again of his passionate and unending love for me. Not only did he quietly tell me He loved me, but He was boldly announcing it to the entire world! And then, as if ONE rainbow wasn’t enough, there was suddenly a second rainbow, more vivid than the first. So, I laughed and cried some more……what else is a girl to do when the God of the universe is showing off, just for her? :)
So, that’s the very special gift that He gave me today….just that incredible reminder of his amazing love….just for me.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Losing sight of what really matters.......
If you know me at all, you know I tend to be serious, analytical, and often I try to reason through things rather than accept that I can’t always figure everything out. Throughout my life people have often told me that I need to lighten up, smile, laugh, do something FUN and put my to do list away for a bit. So, it should come as no surprise that once again, I’ve slipped into a season of attempting to analyze and reason through some situations in my life, trying to figure out why one thing happens, which leads to another thing, and spending most of my awake time (and sometimes my dreaming time too) trying to figure out things that maybe I’m just not meant to figure out. I’ve prayed, cried, journalled, thought, prayed some more, cried some more, reasoned with myself and with God, and yet the questions remain, the mystery of the unknown still eludes me.
It’s good to think, to pray, to try to understand. We’re supposed to be thinking people. It’s really very dangerous to go through life without thinking and planning, to walk through our human existence without ever stopping to understand our journey. BUT…..sometimes in all this serious thought, we can loose sight of why we’re doing all of this in the first place.
I’ve been wrapped up lately in a lot of projects – work projects, life projects, just stuff. I’ve recently had a medical diagnosis that has required good but radical changes to my life. More lists, more stuff to do, more to understand, more to analyze. And then there are struggles in relationships, hurting friends, irritating coworkers, you name it. And as I’ve dealt with all of it, I have found myself retreating, thinking, analyzing, reasoning, talking to God about all of these things. But I realized today, the one thing I haven’t done well in the last few months is to stop and shut off all of this stuff and remember why I’m here, and who I’m here for. The joy has been missing. I’ve been so focused on figuring out all of this stuff that I haven’t really stopped to just think about the goodness of the Lord. I am on the worship team at church, but even there, I am so focused on making sure I sing the song right and provide solid back up for our worship leader that I don’t let the words of the songs really soak in. I’ve been going through the motions a lot lately – I appear functional, but inside, I’ve been pretty empty…..just surviving.
So today, I’ve been listening to some new music and setting my heart back on Him. I found myself smiling at the wonder of who He is. I took my focus off of the long list of stuff that I’m dealing with in my life and reminded myself of His goodness, His faithfulness, and His never-ending love.
Friends, He is just so GOOD!
He is constant, He is light, He is THERE! He doesn’t just bring joy, He is joy! Just being in His presence brings peace and order to my chaotic and sometimes confusing life. All of the worries, hurts, anger, frustration, confusion – it all fades away to nothing when I’m with Him. Suddenly, when I let him be big in my life and my heart, all of that other stuff becomes so small and insignificant.
I don’t know about you, but I needed the reminder to stop everything else long enough to remember how much He loves me, and how much I love Him too. I’d be so lost without Him!
“I will sing for joy in God, explode in praise from deep in my soul! He dressed me up in a suit of salvation, He outfitted me in a robe of righteousness - as a bridegroom who puts on a tuxedo and a bride a jeweled tiara. For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers, and as a garden cascades with blossoms, So the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom and puts praise on display before the nations.” Isaiah 61:10-11 (The Message)
[ ... ]
It’s good to think, to pray, to try to understand. We’re supposed to be thinking people. It’s really very dangerous to go through life without thinking and planning, to walk through our human existence without ever stopping to understand our journey. BUT…..sometimes in all this serious thought, we can loose sight of why we’re doing all of this in the first place.
I’ve been wrapped up lately in a lot of projects – work projects, life projects, just stuff. I’ve recently had a medical diagnosis that has required good but radical changes to my life. More lists, more stuff to do, more to understand, more to analyze. And then there are struggles in relationships, hurting friends, irritating coworkers, you name it. And as I’ve dealt with all of it, I have found myself retreating, thinking, analyzing, reasoning, talking to God about all of these things. But I realized today, the one thing I haven’t done well in the last few months is to stop and shut off all of this stuff and remember why I’m here, and who I’m here for. The joy has been missing. I’ve been so focused on figuring out all of this stuff that I haven’t really stopped to just think about the goodness of the Lord. I am on the worship team at church, but even there, I am so focused on making sure I sing the song right and provide solid back up for our worship leader that I don’t let the words of the songs really soak in. I’ve been going through the motions a lot lately – I appear functional, but inside, I’ve been pretty empty…..just surviving.
So today, I’ve been listening to some new music and setting my heart back on Him. I found myself smiling at the wonder of who He is. I took my focus off of the long list of stuff that I’m dealing with in my life and reminded myself of His goodness, His faithfulness, and His never-ending love.
Friends, He is just so GOOD!
He is constant, He is light, He is THERE! He doesn’t just bring joy, He is joy! Just being in His presence brings peace and order to my chaotic and sometimes confusing life. All of the worries, hurts, anger, frustration, confusion – it all fades away to nothing when I’m with Him. Suddenly, when I let him be big in my life and my heart, all of that other stuff becomes so small and insignificant.
I don’t know about you, but I needed the reminder to stop everything else long enough to remember how much He loves me, and how much I love Him too. I’d be so lost without Him!
“I will sing for joy in God, explode in praise from deep in my soul! He dressed me up in a suit of salvation, He outfitted me in a robe of righteousness - as a bridegroom who puts on a tuxedo and a bride a jeweled tiara. For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers, and as a garden cascades with blossoms, So the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom and puts praise on display before the nations.” Isaiah 61:10-11 (The Message)
Monday, June 01, 2009
Quote of the Day....
"God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will, a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to." ~Elizabeth Elliot
[ ... ]
Saturday, May 30, 2009
The Grand Adventure.....Day 1
Some people write to entertain, some people write to educate. I, on the other hand, write as a way of expressing the things I see, hear, feel, and experience. Such is this – a collection of what I saw, heard, felt, and experienced during my recent 3-day mini-vacation to Chicago.
I was going to drive. I actually wanted (shocking to some of you, I’m sure) to drive in Chicago to help me learn my way around. But, after contemplating how much I was actually going to use my car once I was in Chicago, and how much it would cost to park said car, I decided to take a bus from Bloomington to O’Hare to meet Stephanie. It was much cheaper, and I got to sleep on the way, something that is not recommended when I am driving. :) I wish I was more like my lovely roommate Mary, who always remembers to take photos of everything. But, alas, I often forget, therefore, there are no photos of my bus. I know you’re disappointed. Use your imagination….it was something like this:
Both of us were just a bit annoyed…..but since our only other option was to WALK, we decided to just deal with it. As we got on, we met a little old man who was very friendly and struck up a conversation. He told us all about his four daughters, all grown and married, three living in New York, and one in Los Angeles. He told us how each one of his girls was his favorite, how special his wife was to him, and how he had loved raising his family. He’s widowed now, all alone in Chicago, but he’s a spry old guy. When a lady offered him her seat, he just waved her off, almost annoyed that anyone would think HE needed a seat. :) I love life’s little interruptions. It was an inconvenience to get off the train and take the bus, but if we hadn’t, we would have never met this adorable German gentleman. He was truly delightful and just thinking about him makes me smile.
We finally arrived downtown….somewhere near Clark Street, I think, but I really don’t remember. Remarkably, I figured out which way we needed to go and we headed, with our suitcases in tow, to our hotel. We stayed at the Intercontinental on North Michigan Avenue, practically next door to the Tribune Building and in the middle of everything! Great location and a really beautiful hotel. So, we checked in, went to our room for a few minutes, and then headed back out to the Memorial Day parade. And of course, I have no photos of my own of the hotel. This is a picture of our hotel….but Stephanie took this one.
I expected to enjoy the parade, and I think I knew I’d be inspired. Patriotic parades always inspire me. Memorial Day always inspires me. But it was the unexpected that moved me. As we came around a corner to the parade route on State Street, we stopped to pet someone’s beautiful (and HUGE) dog. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted him. It was him - the angry man from the train. The one I dismissed, the one I assumed was just some bitter man making a scene. In an instant there were tears in my eyes as I realized this wasn’t just some angry, bitter man. This was a Vietnam veteran, a man who fought for me, who risked his life for freedom. A man who was in a hurry to get downtown so he could have a front row seat at the parade. A man who carries the images of what he saw, the pain of what he experienced, the wounds of all that he suffered with him every day. There he was, at the very beginning of the parade route, perched on the seat he had brought with him. I stood there, frozen for a second, thinking of how I rolled my eyes, judged him, and wrote him off as “just another angry person” instead of looking a little deeper. “What was his story?” I wondered. He watched the parade with such eagerness, as if he was feeling every step of the soldiers passing. He smiled. I looked to the sky, thanking God for this reminder, for this gift of freedom that each one of us has been blessed to own.
[ ... ]
I was going to drive. I actually wanted (shocking to some of you, I’m sure) to drive in Chicago to help me learn my way around. But, after contemplating how much I was actually going to use my car once I was in Chicago, and how much it would cost to park said car, I decided to take a bus from Bloomington to O’Hare to meet Stephanie. It was much cheaper, and I got to sleep on the way, something that is not recommended when I am driving. :) I wish I was more like my lovely roommate Mary, who always remembers to take photos of everything. But, alas, I often forget, therefore, there are no photos of my bus. I know you’re disappointed. Use your imagination….it was something like this:
Once I arrived at the airport, it took me a little while to find Stephanie, partly because I got off at the wrong terminal, and partly because Stephanie didn’t know where she was.
Me: “Where are you?”
Stephanie: “I don’t know…..probably somewhere just below where you are.”
Me: “Which Terminal?”
Stephanie: “Well…..I was at such and such terminal, but I’m not sure now.”
I did eventually find her, though, and we found our train that was supposed to take us to downtown Chicago.
We got on the train, excited to see each other, chatting about all sorts of things, and every so often interrupted by an angry man who was yelling at everyone in our car. As becomes habit when you’re in a major city and someone is angry, I rolled my eyes, mentally dismissed him, ignored him, and eventually he got off of the train, and things were peaceful again. Stephanie and I continued our chatting until we all had to get off of the train and board a bus, due to track repairs. Ugh. Hauling luggage down multiple flights of stairs in a crowd is NOT fun. But, we did finally reach the bottom of the stairs and boarded a very crowded bus. (Again, I did not take a picture, but this bus looked something like this:
Both of us were just a bit annoyed…..but since our only other option was to WALK, we decided to just deal with it. As we got on, we met a little old man who was very friendly and struck up a conversation. He told us all about his four daughters, all grown and married, three living in New York, and one in Los Angeles. He told us how each one of his girls was his favorite, how special his wife was to him, and how he had loved raising his family. He’s widowed now, all alone in Chicago, but he’s a spry old guy. When a lady offered him her seat, he just waved her off, almost annoyed that anyone would think HE needed a seat. :) I love life’s little interruptions. It was an inconvenience to get off the train and take the bus, but if we hadn’t, we would have never met this adorable German gentleman. He was truly delightful and just thinking about him makes me smile.
We finally arrived downtown….somewhere near Clark Street, I think, but I really don’t remember. Remarkably, I figured out which way we needed to go and we headed, with our suitcases in tow, to our hotel. We stayed at the Intercontinental on North Michigan Avenue, practically next door to the Tribune Building and in the middle of everything! Great location and a really beautiful hotel. So, we checked in, went to our room for a few minutes, and then headed back out to the Memorial Day parade. And of course, I have no photos of my own of the hotel. This is a picture of our hotel….but Stephanie took this one.
I expected to enjoy the parade, and I think I knew I’d be inspired. Patriotic parades always inspire me. Memorial Day always inspires me. But it was the unexpected that moved me. As we came around a corner to the parade route on State Street, we stopped to pet someone’s beautiful (and HUGE) dog. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted him. It was him - the angry man from the train. The one I dismissed, the one I assumed was just some bitter man making a scene. In an instant there were tears in my eyes as I realized this wasn’t just some angry, bitter man. This was a Vietnam veteran, a man who fought for me, who risked his life for freedom. A man who was in a hurry to get downtown so he could have a front row seat at the parade. A man who carries the images of what he saw, the pain of what he experienced, the wounds of all that he suffered with him every day. There he was, at the very beginning of the parade route, perched on the seat he had brought with him. I stood there, frozen for a second, thinking of how I rolled my eyes, judged him, and wrote him off as “just another angry person” instead of looking a little deeper. “What was his story?” I wondered. He watched the parade with such eagerness, as if he was feeling every step of the soldiers passing. He smiled. I looked to the sky, thanking God for this reminder, for this gift of freedom that each one of us has been blessed to own.
I could write about the beautiful architecture, the amazing weather, the bustling streets, but for some reason on that day, all I could see were the people. Cities are full of so many interesting things, but I think it’s the people that make them truly what they are. As we watched the parade pass, a little white-haired lady in front of me turned around, “What a beautiful day the Lord has given us!” she said. I smiled and said that I agreed. “You know,” she said, “we always seem to forget to thank Him for beautiful days. We should thank Him more often.” I smiled, nodded, and again found myself searching the sky, as if to look into His eyes directly. “Thank you, Lord, for the beautiful day. And thank you, Lord, for placing me next to this lovely lady in the middle of this great city.” And you know, I am pretty sure He smiled back.
The rest of the day was spent in Millenium Park, walking along the lake, and then back up to Buckingham Fountain in Grant Park. Grant Park was particularly fun because there were at least four wedding parties in various areas of the park taking wedding photos. Stephanie and I rated all of their dresses, the size of their wedding parties (one party had at least 15 bridesmaids!), and their choice of colors. Oh, and there was a group on their way to prom taking pictures at the park as well. Most of the girls were in garish tones of Barbie pink, though there were a few that had a bit more taste. I think my favorite was the girl wearing Barbie-pink and her boyfriend in his gray suite and Barbie-pink vest. The first photo below is Buckingham fountain in Grant Park. The second photo is a bride and groom we saw taking photos.
After we left the park, we walked up Michigan Avenue and headed back to our hotel. I was operating on about 2.5 hours of sleep from the night before, so we actually both crashed on our beds and joked about taking naps. About an hour later we discovered that we apparently needed naps more than we thought. :)
For dinner that night, we headed just across the river to Bella Bacino. We had a caprese salad (probably the best I’ve had anywhere, but then with fresh mozzerella, fresh basil, tomatoes and balsamic reduction, how can you go wrong?) and of course, Chicago’s famous deep-dish pizza.
So there you have it – my thoughts and experiences from Day 1 in the Grand Adventure. More to come……
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
What is Sin?
This is far from scientific, but I’m attempting to conduct a survey. I am looking for all perspectives on this regardless of your religious background.
The question is: How do you define sin?
Leave a comment - anonymous is fine if you don't want to leave your name. :)
Thanks!
[ ... ]
The question is: How do you define sin?
Leave a comment - anonymous is fine if you don't want to leave your name. :)
Thanks!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Thoughts on Surrender - part 1
God has been teaching me much about surrender lately. There are a number of things in my life that have made surrender a necessity recently. While it would be too personal to reveal the specifics, as I’ve been walking through this and asking the Lord to open my eyes and to show me His path and His ways, He has revealed so many things to me. So many times when I question God, when I don’t understand His purposes, He has called me to sit at His feet and soak in His presence. There, in those moments when I have nothing left to say – nothing left to give – He speaks. He’s polite though – He waits for me to be quiet (and believe me – that is so hard!) Once I’ve quieted my heart, my mind, and sometimes my mouth :), He speaks….gently, lovingly; simply and yet oh-so-profoundly. I know what you’re thinking…”DUH – it’s GOD speaking….of COURSE it would be profound!” I know, I know, but sometimes we forget how simple truth that we’ve known all our lives can become absolutely profound when He speaks it to our open hearts. It’s one of those moments where you find yourself saying, “I never knew that before!” and yet you’ve known it forever – He just moved you to a deeper level of understanding. I’m sure I’m only beginning to scratch the surface of surrender, but here is just a little of what He has been teaching me over the last few years, and more recently too.
A number of years ago I was struggling with being single. I was in my early 20’s at the time (and now that I look back, I really don’t know what I was so worried about, but that’s where I was then.) and a LOT of my friends were getting married. I grew up in a very conservative home-school world where you were expected to be married long before you were 25 (and have 6 kids by the time you were 30!), and I was starting to feel some of that pressure. I had heard a million times how we need to learn to be content, and I was trying. BOY, was I trying. I tried to be content – I really did. And it would last….for maybe a day, a week if I was lucky. But all it would take was hearing that another one of my friends had a boyfriend, or watching a sweet romantic movie, or that the guy I had a crush on liked someone else, and there I sat, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, but always frustrated. I didn’t understand WHY God would say that we need to be content. How was I supposed to be content when I didn’t have what I really wanted (or thought I wanted)? And so I would go on trying to be obedient, trying to be content, and getting angrier and more frustrated.
Then one day I was driving down the road listening to a worship cd. I wasn’t really paying much attention, but suddenly one of the songs stood out to me. The song was about surrender. You know how there are just moments where you look back and you can see how very pivotal a particular moment was in your life? This was one of those moments. He spoke to me that day as I was driving up the mountain in Northern Virginia. “Jeanette, it’s not about contentment. It’s about surrender.” As I continued driving and thinking about what He was telling me, He continued to speak to my heart, to reveal that I had been focusing on the wrong thing. It seemed the more I focused on contentment the more DIS-content I became. What He wanted me to see was that if I would surrender to Him, the contentment would come. I was fighting the wrong battle.
So, as I drove down the other side of Mt. Weather that day, something began to change in the way I viewed life, God, surrender, and contentment. I am still amazed that something as simple as surrender would change my outlook, but it did. It kept me from becoming bitter. It kept me from becoming angry at my circumstances. It kept me constantly aware that I was not put on this earth for my purposes, but for His.
I wish I could tell you that that was the last time I ever had to surrender, that from that moment on all I had to do was snap my fingers, say “I Surrender” three times, and poof – contentment and joy came instantly. But it wasn’t like that at all. Looking back, surrendering my singleness to God was relatively easy in my early 20’s compared to surrendering it again when I turned 30! In the years since, I’ve had to surrender other things, some smaller, some more significant. In the last few years I’ve had to surrender some pretty big things. Broken relationships, seemingly broken dreams, disappointments, and on and on. I know I’m not alone – everyone struggles with this stuff – it’s part of life. Each time I find myself at odds with God, I will find that at the root I’m not trusting Him, and am not surrendered to Him.
I’m a visual person, and many times the Lord will give me a picture to illustrate something He wants me to understand - not just know in my head, but believe in my heart. As I was praying one day, I saw myself walking to the cross carrying a tattered, worn box. The box contained whatever it was that I wanted – marriage, a better job, healed relationships, etc. I carried that box to the foot of the cross, where Jesus was waiting for me. I walked to Him and gave Him my box. He didn’t take it from me – I had to give it to Him. He gently took the box that I surrendered to Him and told me that He would keep it for now and it would be buried there at the Cross. But, when the time was right, if that box was truly to be mine, He would give it back to me, only then it wouldn’t be in a tattered box. It would be truly beautiful, and He Himself would gift-wrap it just for me.
This was truly a beautiful picture, one that has provided a great deal of encouragement to me in the time since He showed me this. But, do you know how many times I’ve gone running back there to dig up my box and carry it away with me again? How many times I’ve “un-surrendered” only to find that now I’m carrying the burden myself? He will call to me to bring it back and eventually, usually through tears, I will bring it back, and once again trust Him to safeguard all that is precious to me in this life.
I used to fear surrender. After all, isn’t surrender essentially giving up? Historically, surrender is seen as a sign of defeat, a giving over to the victor. It is not celebrated and it is always seen as the opposite of success. So what good is surrender? Isn’t it heartache, defeat, death of some dream or desire? Or is it something more?
I think we always see surrender as the end. It’s the stopping point where we’ve finally given up. But that’s not it at all. Surrender is actually the beginning. Surrender is understanding that we were not put on earth merely for ourselves. Don’t misunderstand – God wants the very best for us in our lives on earth, but there is a greater purpose in our earthly lives than just success and happiness personally. We are to be a reflection of Him to the world around us. If we are to be this reflection of Him, we have to become like Him. That is why he calls us, in Mark 8:34, to deny ourselves, take up HIS cross, and follow Him. I love what Kay Warren says in her book, “Dangerous Surrender,” “If denying yourself is all about saying no, then taking up the cross is all about saying yes. ‘Yes, God, I will do whatever you ask of me – whatever, whenever.’ It’s agreeing with God that His way is best in every situation and choosing to obey Him over every other authority, regardless of how you feel about it.”
So why is surrender so important? Why aren’t we born automatically surrendered? Why doesn’t He make the decision for us? Warren goes on to say, “If we’re not presented with the option of choosing self over Him, we will never become like Jesus in our character. He chose the Father’s will, not his own, time after time and became our ultimate model of dangerous surrender. It was His dangerous surrender that allowed him to take up His cross.” And of course, it was through this “dangerous surrender” that He died, rose again, and gave us victory over the grave. There was a purpose in His surrender, and so there must be in ours.
I have so much more to share, but that’s where I’ll stop for today. Always remember – HE is GOOD.
[ ... ]
A number of years ago I was struggling with being single. I was in my early 20’s at the time (and now that I look back, I really don’t know what I was so worried about, but that’s where I was then.) and a LOT of my friends were getting married. I grew up in a very conservative home-school world where you were expected to be married long before you were 25 (and have 6 kids by the time you were 30!), and I was starting to feel some of that pressure. I had heard a million times how we need to learn to be content, and I was trying. BOY, was I trying. I tried to be content – I really did. And it would last….for maybe a day, a week if I was lucky. But all it would take was hearing that another one of my friends had a boyfriend, or watching a sweet romantic movie, or that the guy I had a crush on liked someone else, and there I sat, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, but always frustrated. I didn’t understand WHY God would say that we need to be content. How was I supposed to be content when I didn’t have what I really wanted (or thought I wanted)? And so I would go on trying to be obedient, trying to be content, and getting angrier and more frustrated.
Then one day I was driving down the road listening to a worship cd. I wasn’t really paying much attention, but suddenly one of the songs stood out to me. The song was about surrender. You know how there are just moments where you look back and you can see how very pivotal a particular moment was in your life? This was one of those moments. He spoke to me that day as I was driving up the mountain in Northern Virginia. “Jeanette, it’s not about contentment. It’s about surrender.” As I continued driving and thinking about what He was telling me, He continued to speak to my heart, to reveal that I had been focusing on the wrong thing. It seemed the more I focused on contentment the more DIS-content I became. What He wanted me to see was that if I would surrender to Him, the contentment would come. I was fighting the wrong battle.
So, as I drove down the other side of Mt. Weather that day, something began to change in the way I viewed life, God, surrender, and contentment. I am still amazed that something as simple as surrender would change my outlook, but it did. It kept me from becoming bitter. It kept me from becoming angry at my circumstances. It kept me constantly aware that I was not put on this earth for my purposes, but for His.
I wish I could tell you that that was the last time I ever had to surrender, that from that moment on all I had to do was snap my fingers, say “I Surrender” three times, and poof – contentment and joy came instantly. But it wasn’t like that at all. Looking back, surrendering my singleness to God was relatively easy in my early 20’s compared to surrendering it again when I turned 30! In the years since, I’ve had to surrender other things, some smaller, some more significant. In the last few years I’ve had to surrender some pretty big things. Broken relationships, seemingly broken dreams, disappointments, and on and on. I know I’m not alone – everyone struggles with this stuff – it’s part of life. Each time I find myself at odds with God, I will find that at the root I’m not trusting Him, and am not surrendered to Him.
I’m a visual person, and many times the Lord will give me a picture to illustrate something He wants me to understand - not just know in my head, but believe in my heart. As I was praying one day, I saw myself walking to the cross carrying a tattered, worn box. The box contained whatever it was that I wanted – marriage, a better job, healed relationships, etc. I carried that box to the foot of the cross, where Jesus was waiting for me. I walked to Him and gave Him my box. He didn’t take it from me – I had to give it to Him. He gently took the box that I surrendered to Him and told me that He would keep it for now and it would be buried there at the Cross. But, when the time was right, if that box was truly to be mine, He would give it back to me, only then it wouldn’t be in a tattered box. It would be truly beautiful, and He Himself would gift-wrap it just for me.
This was truly a beautiful picture, one that has provided a great deal of encouragement to me in the time since He showed me this. But, do you know how many times I’ve gone running back there to dig up my box and carry it away with me again? How many times I’ve “un-surrendered” only to find that now I’m carrying the burden myself? He will call to me to bring it back and eventually, usually through tears, I will bring it back, and once again trust Him to safeguard all that is precious to me in this life.
I used to fear surrender. After all, isn’t surrender essentially giving up? Historically, surrender is seen as a sign of defeat, a giving over to the victor. It is not celebrated and it is always seen as the opposite of success. So what good is surrender? Isn’t it heartache, defeat, death of some dream or desire? Or is it something more?
I think we always see surrender as the end. It’s the stopping point where we’ve finally given up. But that’s not it at all. Surrender is actually the beginning. Surrender is understanding that we were not put on earth merely for ourselves. Don’t misunderstand – God wants the very best for us in our lives on earth, but there is a greater purpose in our earthly lives than just success and happiness personally. We are to be a reflection of Him to the world around us. If we are to be this reflection of Him, we have to become like Him. That is why he calls us, in Mark 8:34, to deny ourselves, take up HIS cross, and follow Him. I love what Kay Warren says in her book, “Dangerous Surrender,” “If denying yourself is all about saying no, then taking up the cross is all about saying yes. ‘Yes, God, I will do whatever you ask of me – whatever, whenever.’ It’s agreeing with God that His way is best in every situation and choosing to obey Him over every other authority, regardless of how you feel about it.”
So why is surrender so important? Why aren’t we born automatically surrendered? Why doesn’t He make the decision for us? Warren goes on to say, “If we’re not presented with the option of choosing self over Him, we will never become like Jesus in our character. He chose the Father’s will, not his own, time after time and became our ultimate model of dangerous surrender. It was His dangerous surrender that allowed him to take up His cross.” And of course, it was through this “dangerous surrender” that He died, rose again, and gave us victory over the grave. There was a purpose in His surrender, and so there must be in ours.
I have so much more to share, but that’s where I’ll stop for today. Always remember – HE is GOOD.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Reflections on the Inauguration
Today is January 20th, 2009. George W. Bush has flown to Texas and Barak Obama is now our 44th President.
I had hoped to attend the inauguration, but in the end decided to declare it a national holiday, took the day off of work, and watched it indoors while drinking coffee and enjoying the company of loved ones. I found myself missing DC greatly, but loving the fact that when the Obamas were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue, I knew right where they were because I walked there almost every day. If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine being there. When they left Blair House to go to St. John’s this morning, I was overwhelmed with how amazing it was that less than two years ago, I was right there every single day. I used to walk past Blair House and The White House to clear my head when work got stressful or when I needed to feel inspired. I used to sit on a park bench in Lafayette Park and watch the comings and goings at the White House. When the Obamas passed Old Ebbitt, I remembered that last lunch that I had with my special coworkers at Advantis….boy I miss you guys!
The thing I loved the most about today was that for one day, we suspended politics as usual and celebrated being Americans. It was said over and over today how remarkable it is that power passes from one President to another peacefully and without incident. It was wonderful to me to forget for one day the disagreements that exist, and instead just be proud - proud to live in this country, proud to be an American. I was especially moved as I thought about how far we have come in a nation where once African Americans were sold and imprisoned on the land we now refer to as the National Mall, and today, on that same soil, a nation celebrated the inauguration of an African American President. That is something to celebrate, no matter what your political persuasion.
I found myself today constantly wondering what it feels like to be President, or to be First Lady. When I was 13, I decided that I wanted to be First Lady. Now that I’m 30, I’m not so sure that I would really want that kind of pressure or that kind of invasion into my life. I like being able to say what I think without having it reported from one coast to another. :) But, I still found myself wondering, especially as I watched Michelle Obama (who looked stunning, by the way), what does it feel like to be the wife of the most powerful man in the world? What does it feel like to have the entire world critiquing your wardrobe? What does it feel like to know that you will have cameras following you around for the rest of your life? And what is it like to wander the halls of the White House surrounded every day with so many reminders of our country’s history? Ultimately, I was just really struck by their humanness, by the obvious love that our President and First Lady share for our country, for each other and for their children.
Obviously, history will judge the decisions that are made in the Obama administration, just as in any other administration. But for today, I am celebrating all that is good about America, and all the good that is yet to come.
[ ... ]
I had hoped to attend the inauguration, but in the end decided to declare it a national holiday, took the day off of work, and watched it indoors while drinking coffee and enjoying the company of loved ones. I found myself missing DC greatly, but loving the fact that when the Obamas were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue, I knew right where they were because I walked there almost every day. If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine being there. When they left Blair House to go to St. John’s this morning, I was overwhelmed with how amazing it was that less than two years ago, I was right there every single day. I used to walk past Blair House and The White House to clear my head when work got stressful or when I needed to feel inspired. I used to sit on a park bench in Lafayette Park and watch the comings and goings at the White House. When the Obamas passed Old Ebbitt, I remembered that last lunch that I had with my special coworkers at Advantis….boy I miss you guys!
The thing I loved the most about today was that for one day, we suspended politics as usual and celebrated being Americans. It was said over and over today how remarkable it is that power passes from one President to another peacefully and without incident. It was wonderful to me to forget for one day the disagreements that exist, and instead just be proud - proud to live in this country, proud to be an American. I was especially moved as I thought about how far we have come in a nation where once African Americans were sold and imprisoned on the land we now refer to as the National Mall, and today, on that same soil, a nation celebrated the inauguration of an African American President. That is something to celebrate, no matter what your political persuasion.
I found myself today constantly wondering what it feels like to be President, or to be First Lady. When I was 13, I decided that I wanted to be First Lady. Now that I’m 30, I’m not so sure that I would really want that kind of pressure or that kind of invasion into my life. I like being able to say what I think without having it reported from one coast to another. :) But, I still found myself wondering, especially as I watched Michelle Obama (who looked stunning, by the way), what does it feel like to be the wife of the most powerful man in the world? What does it feel like to have the entire world critiquing your wardrobe? What does it feel like to know that you will have cameras following you around for the rest of your life? And what is it like to wander the halls of the White House surrounded every day with so many reminders of our country’s history? Ultimately, I was just really struck by their humanness, by the obvious love that our President and First Lady share for our country, for each other and for their children.
Obviously, history will judge the decisions that are made in the Obama administration, just as in any other administration. But for today, I am celebrating all that is good about America, and all the good that is yet to come.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Long Time, No Post.....
Hello my friends. It has been a while since I’ve written. There are so many things I would like to write about but it seems that every time I actually sit down to write I can’t seem to organize my thoughts enough to create a coherent sentence, much less a paragraph or two. :)
It’s December, and the year has in some ways flown by and in others it’s crawled at an excruciating pace. Some of the experiences of the year are far too personal to write on a public blog (which is partly why my writing has been so sporadic), but suffice it to say that it has been an intensely challenging, and, at many points, a very difficult year. On the flip side, it has been a year where I have experienced what it is to truly be held in the Father’s hand and to know His blessing and peace and the shelter of His care and watchful eye.
There are a host of topics that I would like to write about….from religion to politics to interesting books that I’ve read lately. I’m even toying with starting a new blog to document my thoughts on the church and cultural relevance and other related topics, but then if I can’t keep up with the blogs I have, I’m not so sure starting another one is really what I should be doing. Bleh.
It’s funny how we grow the most when life gets a little stormy. I think I’ve changed a lot this year – some of the changes scare me a little, and yet they seem to be things the Lord has been tweaking in my mind and heart over a few years, so I’m trying to be obedient and learn all that He wants to show me.
In April I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle in Weston, IL. I thought I’d only be there a few months, but after one rental house fell through, and a few other things came up, I was beginning to wonder if I was going to become a permanent resident of Dale and Sheryle’s house. (They were probably wondering too!) But, the Lord has a way of providing what we need and it’s even better than what we plan. I found a great house to rent with my long-time friend Mary. We moved in about a month ago and it’s perfect (well, except for the funny-looking crickets in the basement!). Once we get done with some of our painting projects and such I’ll post some pictures of our cute little house.
So, now that I’m settled, I hope to get back into a regular routine with my blogging. Janessa’s wedding is over (Whew!), but I do still have to finish writing my annual Christmas letter! As soon as I get that done, I’ll hopefully have more to say.
See you around!
[ ... ]
It’s December, and the year has in some ways flown by and in others it’s crawled at an excruciating pace. Some of the experiences of the year are far too personal to write on a public blog (which is partly why my writing has been so sporadic), but suffice it to say that it has been an intensely challenging, and, at many points, a very difficult year. On the flip side, it has been a year where I have experienced what it is to truly be held in the Father’s hand and to know His blessing and peace and the shelter of His care and watchful eye.
There are a host of topics that I would like to write about….from religion to politics to interesting books that I’ve read lately. I’m even toying with starting a new blog to document my thoughts on the church and cultural relevance and other related topics, but then if I can’t keep up with the blogs I have, I’m not so sure starting another one is really what I should be doing. Bleh.
It’s funny how we grow the most when life gets a little stormy. I think I’ve changed a lot this year – some of the changes scare me a little, and yet they seem to be things the Lord has been tweaking in my mind and heart over a few years, so I’m trying to be obedient and learn all that He wants to show me.
In April I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle in Weston, IL. I thought I’d only be there a few months, but after one rental house fell through, and a few other things came up, I was beginning to wonder if I was going to become a permanent resident of Dale and Sheryle’s house. (They were probably wondering too!) But, the Lord has a way of providing what we need and it’s even better than what we plan. I found a great house to rent with my long-time friend Mary. We moved in about a month ago and it’s perfect (well, except for the funny-looking crickets in the basement!). Once we get done with some of our painting projects and such I’ll post some pictures of our cute little house.
So, now that I’m settled, I hope to get back into a regular routine with my blogging. Janessa’s wedding is over (Whew!), but I do still have to finish writing my annual Christmas letter! As soon as I get that done, I’ll hopefully have more to say.
See you around!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
